Jon Stewart addressed the “No Kings” protests that took place over the weekend on a new episode of The Daily Show, describing it as “a great day for democracy and, apparently, an even better day for people across this country who always got cast as ‘ensemble’ in their high school’s musical.”
Stewart recounted Fox News’ dramatic response to the protests, playing a series of clips promising a “crazy” rally filled with Antifa members and Marxists. “And so this weekend we sat in our bunkers, doors locked, windows boarded, muskets and cyanide pills at the ready, prepared for whatever the hardest-core had in store,” Stewart said. “Do your worst! Display your Marxism to its fullest.”
He continued, “Actually, there was kind of an incredible turnout that was somewhat inspiring: seven million Americans, zero mass shootings. Zero!” The host showed a photo of the enthusiastic crowd reaction. “That’s just sad,” he quipped. “No mass shootings? My God. I look forward to Republicans apologizing sincerely for implying that these Americans were— what’s the word I’m looking for—deplorable.”
Fox News, of course, did not backtrack, with reporters instead saying that the protestors looked silly not serious. “Make up your mind, Fox,” Stewart replied. “You complained it would be a terrifyingly shit-your-pants protest. And now you are complaining about how boringly unpants-shitting it was.”
The news network mainly complained that many of the protestors were old white Boomers. “Extra, extra! Read all about it: This country has too many angry old white people, says—hold on—Fox News,” Stewart said. “Fox News says, ‘Why are old white people so angry?’ ‘Fox News mad that there are so many old white people in America.’” He added, “I don’t think Fox News is mad. I think they’re jealous.”
Stewart then showed footage of the Tea Party protests during the Obama era. “Imagine a bunch of old white people in costumes angrily protesting the direction and overreach of an ever-encroaching federal government,” he joked. “I mean, preposterous. That’s in no way a movement that could sweep the midterms and then be harnessed by a charismatic demagogue to remake an entire political party. I mean, it’s laughable.”
The host broke down some of the happenings at protests around the country, including dancers and a group acting out a scenario where ICE agents were “beaten” by Uncle Sam on top of the Constitution. “Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot stress this enough: This is why you do not cut funding for the arts,” Stewart said. “You don’t want to do this shit on the cheap. Clearly, it was a great day for democracy and, apparently, an even better day for people across this country who always got cast as ‘ensemble’ in their high school’s musical.”
Stewart compared Trump with several past kings, finding the president lacking in his royal tendencies. Eventually, Stewart concluded, “Look, maybe Trump isn’t an all-powerful king, the kind who can do whatever he wants. But he’s undeniably king-adjacent, king-esque, moving for more. He’s the imitation crab of kings right now. The ‘I can’t believe it’s not king.’”
